The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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