You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
