I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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