dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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