i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
