If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
