I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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