I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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