Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
