Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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