Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
