If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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