her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
