You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
