WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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