Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
