We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
