So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
