What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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