My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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