You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
