I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
