I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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