Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Fuck appropriateness.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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