Need sex. Gaining weight.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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