U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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