dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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