I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
