if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
