I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
