Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
