found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
