my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
