I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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