They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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