that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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