life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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