either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
