i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize