They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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