John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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