It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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