i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
