Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
