Got a toothbrush?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
