I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
