My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
