i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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