Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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