this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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